What Is A Family?

As I trip along on my journey, I find I'm leaving behind (in a physical sense) some people. I am relegating them to a guilded box in my head, to take out on those rainy days that are perfect for sitting in front of the fire and looking at old photographs. Some of these people are members of my family.

When I realized that I no longer make the effort to connect with my father, or my brothers, or members of my extended family, I gave up some time to think about what that means.

My father is not a 'bad guy'. In the fifty years I've been here, I've rarely felt his presence, not as a child, not as an adult. We simply don't have a connection. I tried for a few years when I finally settled back in CT, to be there when things in his life were distressing for him, or to visit and share a meal, but I gotta tell you, it felt like more work than clearing the overgrowth from my yard. And the level at which he seemed comfortable relating was just not enough for me to expend all that energy...very shallow and somewhat dishonest. I let it go. He is now in the guilded box in my head, a 'nice' man who has known me (in a shallow way) all my life, sort of like one of the neighbors that I delivered papers to when I was a girl...no more, no less.

My brothers - well, we got involved in our families, our jobs, etc. My one brother drinks an awful lot, although he is a great guy and a wonderful father (when not toasted on Budweiser). We lost our connection somewhere in our busy lives and his drinking made it too difficult to find it again. But I love him, the little boy who cried because "all he wanted was a dad", my friend with whom I played and worked as a youngster. So he is in the guilded box, too. My other brother acquired some values that eat my head. Where I used to be able to call him with my latest dilemma and have long delicious conversations, I now hang up the phone feeling angry at his cynical comments wondering why I called him. But I love him, my old confidant and friend. It was time to put him in the guilded box. My youngest brother fascinates me. To this day I don't know what keeps him from being a criminal. He also is a great father, a brilliant man and successful at everything he does, he is so driven. But some of his 'ideas' indicate that his mind is a tad bit twisted. I love him, and the little boy that I used to give baths to is now in the guilded box, along with some friends who were critically important during various segments of my path but I physically lost along the way. I still love them all.

I keep these people close to me in my mind, but maybe who they WERE during a part of my journey, and not who they now are. Sometimes I wonder if that is good or bad. Will I regret the time when they are physically gone and I didn't make any effort to keep them in my life? I honestly don't know. I just know that when I engage these people today I come away feeling disappointed. So what is better? Keeping them in my life, or keeping them in the guilded box where they never change and I can love them and visit when I have that rainy day/fireplace feeling?

I've lost the point of this. I am trying to explain how I came to a conclusion in my "what is the purpose of family" conundrum. We hear things like "you can't choose your family" and "blood is thicker than water"...I truly don't understand that. Some time ago in a therapy session, I was trying to make this point, that I CAN choose my family. My therapist disagreed, and when I asked the reason, she said, "its a matter of balance, you have to have balance". I still don't understand why she believes I have to engage with people I can't connect with, and what that has to do with balance. Perhaps one of you understand and can enlighten me.

The DNA, genetic connection doesn't cut it for me. That is no reason to spend a precious Sunday having dinner with people, and then go away feeling tense, angry and disappointed. Unless I'm missing something. My definition of family is "the people in your close circle who would be there for you when you need help, support you when you need support, who forgive your quirks and understand, and who make the effort to show you they love you by sharing what is important to you, and you choose to do the same for them". With this definition, I can choose my family - and not be victim of random birthmates. My mother used to work a hard day at the factory, then about once a month, pack us in the old Buick woodie, and drive an hour to see our grandmother, her EX-mother-in law. Our grandmother didn't like kids, we knew that. She knew a spattering of English, but didn't much speak it when we were around. She never cooked us a meal. My mother would sit at the table with my grandmother, and they would speak french. We kids were left to entertain ourselves. We HATED going there, and to this day I'll never understand why my mother made the effort. Was it because this awful old lady was our grandmother? We didn't like her, she didn't like us. Forty years later, I still can't get my head around that. But I sense that, according to social norms, my mother did the right thing.

The importance of family as a genetic group has changed, as our society has changed. This I believe. When we were 'tribal', family cooperation was crucial to the survival of all. Each member had a unique and critical part to play in the survival of the whole. With the onset of the Industrial Revolution, and the post WWII era, family structure radically changed. As a child, I no longer even need my parents to survive, I can be given to the State. As a parent, I no longer need my children to work the fields, I can hire or change jobs. And H's blog illustrates this - while living in NM, it was imparative for family survival that ALL participate. If you didn't help tend the garden, the harvest wouldn't be so good, and there wouldn't be enough to eat over the winter....(for example). Today the norm is different, and the participation of each member of the family does not affect the survival. So what IS the purpose of our genetic family today? I don't actually see one. A family is important, but I don't believe it has to be our genetic family. I have a wonderful family, and I'm not talking about those people that share a genetic connection, although I do keep my children in my family.

As a mother, I want my children to keep me in their families. So I make the effort to be the kind of person they WANT in their family. I don't rely on blood connections, and a sense of obligation to be the bond between us. I don't want my children to say "gosh, it's been two weeks, I should call my mother and see how she is" or "we HAVE to spend Thanksgiving with my mother, because she expects it even though I would rather go to the Cape for the day". It is important for me that my presence in their life be one of enrichment rather than duty. There are times I will put my foot down and make a demand on them, but I can tell you those times are few and far between. But they are welcome to do the same to me, as well. But mostly I try to let them know they are enormously special to me, wonderful people of their own accord, and I love them, less as a mother at this stage, but more as a fellow human being, one who shared a big part of their history.

I still don't know if I am missing something, but the bottom line is, I don't understand why the genetic factor is a reason to have certain people in our lives. I just don't get that.

Peace