Writing from Portsmouth again. Although I think it was before midnight when I drifted off last night, I awoke at about 4 AM with eyes that would not close again. Thinking about work. Not liking my thoughts and feeling anxious. I wish I had someone to go to about this stuff - an ally, or safe resource within my company. I have to rely on information from sources who have hidden agendas, and frequently conflicting. Never a good spot to be in. I did not want to come here this week, and was glad that I wouldn't have to, but things changed and here I am, in the middle of a pickle, wanting more than anything to be home with my recently returned husband. Time to check out monster again.
I am also wondering if my body is changing and needs less sleep, or if I haven't identified what is interfering with my up to now normal sleeping routine. Time will make that answer apparent, but in the meantime, I am cranky.
Until Paige's post where she mentioned that N hated her job, I had no idea. Coupled with the fact that V hates her job, X is unhappy with her responsibilities and the world knows I'm having my issues, I get to wondering about what is normal. All of us being a fairly normal slice of American humanity (right?), I find myself pondering whether we are just miserable people or this is a common situation in our society?
Paul is my ground wire. So I refer to him. He has his issues with work. A huge project whose succes is determined by a very large number of vendors will always have issues. There are time and money constraints. But he really loves his job. Its hard and challenging, but he feels rewarded. Is that the ingredient that makes the difference? The reward? Paul never complains. He will simply converse about a dilemma or hurdle he is facing. He sometimes gets anxious, but that is because he may be unsure of how to proceed with something, or is looking at an impossible deadline.
What about other people? I love what I do and feel I am paid appropriately for it. I know that is not very usual. But the structure of my work environment, the culture, is disfunctional. It's painfully disfunctional. Nothing is clear. Sort of like if you liked scuba diving, really liked it, but had to dive in a swamp. Does anyone out there like their job? Is job satisfaction such an unachievable dream that we should just lay down and accept our fate?
Enough.
Paul is going to make plans for us to go to the Norwich Inn and Spa on Sunday. Massage with heat rocks. Ooooo baby. And the following week we are taking a whimsical little trip to Lancaster PA. He has a friend who recently bought a new toy - a little sporty convertable which he offered to let Paul borrow. We'll see if it's okay for the trip. Paul said if we took it we'd have to limit our shopping. I sense that is intentional.
As far as ice cream in the cold climate - well we new englanders make a big deal of warm weather activities. We are like our flowers whose blooms are extra lovely because we have a short window. Also, dairy is one of our products, so it stands to reason. In TN, well, I'm thinking its a bourban thing? Conversly, we also make a big deal out of cold weather activities because there are so many fun things to do in the snow. And we have all our little harvest fairs in the fall, with stunning foliage as our backdrop, and the spring - well, there is nothing like the world coming back to life after the cold. Its magical. In fairness, that is also the time we dodge the crazies who appear out of the woodwork on the first warm and sunny day. New England is the place to be.
I went online to order the book "Mary Todd Lincoln". I ordered about nine other books. My inbox is exploding with notifications, "order received", "order shipped", etc. I got the books by Alan Alda that Paige recommended. I got some books by John Irving, one of my favorite writers, that I don't think I've read yet. I got a couple things that looked interesting. I sort of over indulged. Oh well. My poor little rural mail carrier will dislike me for awhile, but it will feel like Christmas to me.
And so ends another sleepy saga.
Peace
3 comments:
Elf,
I have only had 1 job I liked in forty-three years. Strangest thing is that I LOVE to work. So, I think it is a common angst in this country of ours with the work ethic that varies so incredibly!
My job issues have always been interpersonal ones-yet, most will say that I am easy to get along with...I just can't stand it when I see people working harder to not work than if they had just applied themselves from the get-go.
As you know I have strong feelings on the topic. I think it is stealing to be on the job and not applying oneself. It is horrible to your co-workers especially who then have to pick up your slack etc. I think that sadly-people try to screw others...so, if they can get away with this or that then they are not accountable as "no one noticed". Bugs me so, so much!
Men in my opinion seem to have an easier time-and do a better job of just worrying about their own responsibilities at work. They seem to be much more able to ignore the whole picture and zone in on their own cubicle. (so to speak) I tend to think it is a gender related trait as I think women are sort of trained to manage a family-all of them, as typically/historically the men needed to provide. After that, they take direction from the wiff...sorry to be so old-fashioned about it. At some of my jobs I would just hate the things my Manager's and Male peers would seem to miss or be oblivious too...
maybe I am type-casting here-but I am not so sure Elf. It seemed to me to be more than an office trend.
New England is the best. N and I have decided we could NEVER leave it, although we enjoy visiting other places-the four seasons are just too great. Plus, we both love weather! We used to be quasi-addicted to the weather channel. That is a well protected secret!
Any storm to us is exciting! Love the thunder, pouring rain, piles of snow that make travel impossible, temps that vary etc. Not fans of humidity of late-but otherwise love it all! Tornados scare the be-jesus out of both of us-so we can NEVER be residents of the mid-west. WAY too out of control!
Are my comments too long Elf?? I noticed H mentioned one of hers was long-then realized I average several tiny paragraphs. I ask you-as I know X would have said "yes" before I even finished the sentence! Ooo books! Love it, and love mail deliveries that feel like Christmas! Better run, Sadie is stirring!
-Paige
not too long Paige, and I thank you for your comments. i like when a discussion is spurred.
i don't know if i am arrogant, really do know more/better than my boss, or as you suggest, its a gender thing. but i would do things MUCH differently in this project than the current protocols. i don't want to leave if the problem is with me, because i'll end up taking the same problem to a new job that perhaps i won't like so much.
love the winters where the snow is beautiful and piled high, too. but it is a lot of work when kids are little. going out in it means lots of dressing and preparation, and coming in means lots of wet dripping stuff to take care of, including the floors. and staying in means cabin fever. no fun with bored kids. i finally read somewhere that parents should get themselves ready FIRST, then the kids, whether they are dressing for snowy afternoon play outdoors, or church. Never figured that out for myself, but once i started doing it, SO MUCH EASIER. You cannot make kids wait once they are ready to go. all the preparation necessary makes getting groceries one major project!
I was sorta thinking it a gender issue myself.
We (generally) make everything social. Men (again-generally) don't. They just don't. They could give a fuck if the guy next to him likes him or does his job or whatever.
I think one of the things I like about NE is that I am a seasonal person. As in I'm ready for Fall now. And then come December I'll want snow. Nothing more exciting than the first buds on a tree in March. And summer-I could take it or leave it. I enjoy it until not long after the 4th and then it just starts to drag to me. Who the fuck came up with August???? Waste of a month. Anyways I love the changing of the seasons. I even like to accessorize my house or clothing based on all 4 seasons. I don't as much as I'd like cause that could get expensive. But I am a, I don't know, I guess sensitive person and 'feel' different with each approaching season and I want my furnishings to go with it. Cooky?
Why are you just now getting around to the gem of advice on getting ready before kids. Duh-I've been doing that one wrong for quite a while. "wait! don't open the door yet, I'm not ready...ya gotta wait for mommy...no nope ya can't go outside without me...damnit! I said wait!!!!!!"
I too love a good storm Paige. Kinda excited about today's hurricane coverage. And there's nothing better than a cup of coffee and cigarette with a thunderstorm. Or a steaming, creamy bowl of potato soup on a cold winter's day. Or home baked bread when snowed in.
Now that I think about it, not only am I in tune with the seasons through home decor and fashion, but foods as well. Fruits and fresh tomatoes in the summer, grilling. Roasted veggies and meats in Autumn-of course, anything apple or pumpkin. Soups in Winter. And Spring? First thing that comes to mind is 'Watergate salad'. It's made from pistachio pudding, cool whip, miniature marshmallows, and crushed pineapple. I don't know how that applies to Spring. We must have had it every Easter as a kid.....
Blah-I'm talking too much again.
I'll tell ya-yesterday and even more today-I start thinking they are right about mania. I feel like packing a few things, grabbing kids, walking out the door and throwing a lit match over my shoulder.......................
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