The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, Under the Moon

My God. It is 3 in the morning. I awoke, after falling to sleep around 9 pm, at 1:30 am, and I've been on the computer ever since. Was looking up cars for Sean. Not for him, as in, he was unable. Just looking to see if there is anything good. I found a public auction in New Hampshire. That might be something. I'll bring it up with Paul when he gets home. The problem is the auction is on Saturday, he gets home on Friday night - AFTER taking the red-eye in from Seattle, um, tonight as a matter of fact. He's going right to work when he gets in this morning, then golfing at 4pm. I think he is asking a bit too much from himself. But he's all grown up now, I guess he can. I'm thinking he won't be up to a 3 hour schlepp to New Hampshire to spend the day at a car auction. Besides, we anticipate company on Saturday, and I'm looking forward to it. I don't really want to cancel, but I do want my car back, so feel kinda pressed to get Sean his. Patience, Grasshopper.

I'm going through a Shakespeare phase. The language always kept me from really liking his works prior to this, so I didn't really race to the productions. Watching some of his works put to film has changed that. Even with the olde language, he's really funny! I watched "Much Ado About Nothing" and belly laughed. I understand now about what it means to be a Shakespearean actor. If one is good enough to pull off a Shakespeare character role, they are pretty good. Right now I'm watching "As You Like It". Some similarities, such as brothers who want to kill each other, and female cousins who are 'closer than sisters', one of whom is very intrepid. Betrayal. Power hungry coups. There is a Shakespeare re-done set by HBO films that looks intriguing and I may ask for that for Christmas. We studied MacBeth in my class "Theories of Personalities", and that was pretty fun, comparing the characters to Jungian and Freudian theories.

Tomorrow (today) is going to be quite a day. I have no business being awake right now, because I've got a few things at work that will require some energy and sharpness. Then the useless follow up at the docs, and then I'll probably crash at 6:30 pm, and wake up at 1:30 am again. But at least I can go back to sleep and not have to get up at 5. But if I go back to sleep, and sleep in until mid morning or so, well, I won't be able to fall asleep on Saturday night. I hate this.

Mike did acknowledge Sean's birthday with a phone call early in the morning. So that is something. And today Sean received his gift from that end - a truly horrible hoody. And a car air freshner. (Which Sean actually likes. It's a Sex Wax one. Too bad Sean doesn't have a car, though. That is sort of like several years ago when Mike sent him the Blue Tooth Razor earpiece with sunglasses that it fits on? Sean didn't have a cell phone, and I had no plans for getting him one until he started learning how to take care of things, and not lose them. And he doesn't wear sunglasses. He's sort of out of touch with Sean, think?) A blank postcard that reads, "SEAN, I LOVE AND MISS YOU! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR 18. WOW! HANG IN THER AND LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. DAD" I know. Too deep for words. Funny, though. (in a Shakespearean sort of way). Last time Sean needed something and asked him for it, the man (loosely applied) deferred the boy to his grandmother. And the one time Sean's father visited this boy in six years now, was a couple years ago, and again, brought his mother along. Sean wasn't impressed. What I believe the 'let me know if you need anything' phrase means is that now that his burden is 18, he intends to stop support payments. Which totally sucks for Sean. That was where his spending money has been coming from. I cannot afford to feed, pay for gas and insurance, (both medical & vehicle) and house this boy, AND give him money. Sean will either have to ask his father for it, or get a job. Sorry, my son. If child support stops, it must mean that your father thinks you're a man now. Even if you're still in school. But, I could be getting ahead of myself, which I have a tendency to do. We'll see Monday, when the support payment is due, if there has been any improvement in the character of the man who abandoned his child.

I should clarify. The divorce decree states that child support payments will continue while Sean is in school full time. He has told me that there is no legal way to enforce that once Sean turns 18. Whether he was just being ugly or foreshadowing an intent, I'll find out Monday. I'm not thinking I will pursue it in the event he stops the payments, however. Sean will just have to make it a priority and find a job if he wants cash in his pocket. (He should be working anyway. It makes him happy to work.)

And once again, there was that return address cutsey sticker:

THE H__S FAMILY

Mike, Shawna, Aidan, Annika, Bailey

With little cartoon faces - like the happy face, with cartoon hair and stuff. Did you notice one of Mike's children was missing from the HAAS FAMILY? Further insulted by the fact that the dog, Bailey is even in his family. And Mike likes to blame me for Sean's increased detachment from him. AFTER he left the 12 year old behind, went to Japan, started a new family, and never came back to see Sean. Sent some pictures and disks of what a great place Okinawa is though, and all the fun things they were doing. Sean's father invited Sean to spend a school year with them there a couple years back, and when Sean didn't want to leave his school and friends here and be the new kid, yet again, Mike blamed me. Because I guess thats easier than being accountable and doing the his own work to make a relationship after betraying his son. And thats the only MO I know by which this man gets through life. If he's changed, I've no evidence. Mike did visit Sean a couple years ago, for a week, and as I said earlier, dragged his mom along. These people are clueless.

The ex-mother-in-law, or grandmother, overlooked Sean on a few birthdays, Christmas's, etc. except when the HAAS FAMILY was going to be visiting for the holidays. THEN Sean would get an invite. Which he was not open to, as it would mean getting on an airplane, something he is totally afraid of doing. Especially by himself. (Sean flew with his father once, to attend a funeral, and coming back, Mike slept, and Sean said he was terrified and thought he would go crazy. Nice, after his first funeral, for a grandfather that Sean loved, he was left to his own in the airplane ride back. Paul and I took him to CA, and I called the doctor who prescribed a couple doses of medication to relax him for the ride. He was still a little anxious, but we played games and stuff) Just seems to me that they were asking a lot of give from this boy, whom they didn't exactly bend over backwards to show their love and concern over. And don't get me started on the trophy wife. Sometimes I want to let her know what other people say about her, behind her back. But I really don't care enough on any level. Everything that goes around... And , since she took him off my hands, she really should be on my gratitude list. I wish Sean wasn't paying the price for her and her husband's selfish actions.

See what happens when I can't sleep? Damn, I've gotten all bitter and angry. Thats okay. Once in awhile I allow myself that. Get it out and then get on with the important stuff, which used to be hard, but now is as easy as taking a deep breath. I know that Sean will bear the scars from his father's actions for the rest of his life, and that hurts me for my boy. But we all have scars. It will be up to Sean to deal and move on.

Apologies for getting all ugly and dirty here, forgive me. Not my norm. Just a tired cranky woman who can't sleep and is having anxiety about work. But still an ugly post.

I love you Sean.

Peace