Last Post of the Year

As I sit here and wait for my daughters to arrive safely knowing they are driving in treachorous conditions, I'm tuned in to all the feelings in my heart. Their safe arrival is the only thing left to complete my day.

And what a day, another page in what is proving to be a welter of drama as we slide in to the new year.

The much predicted storm arrived shortly after I did at work this morning. I had swung by to pick up my son Sean to give him a ride to work. The project manager for our subcontractor had willingly agreed to give Sean another chance. Sean needed to find work, and fairly quickly, so he would be in a position to pay his rent and buy food. Sean was not only ready with perfect timing, but had packed his own lunch, too. It brought tears to my eyes. He is showing signs of being interested in managing his own life. In a good way. And that is salve to my wounded heart.

Because the snow started, and because Sean lives across the river, (crossing made possible only by a 12 lane bridge), and after getting safely across the bridge Mom still has a more than 30 mile commute home, I told Sean he'd only be working a few hours today and that I would make it okay with his boss. He nearly begged me to at least stay til 11 am because he needed the money. *sigh*

I had to say "sorry, but no". He understood, and we enjoyed each other's company on the ride back to his place, making tentative plans to get together later this week.

Wearing a soft smile and enjoying the tang of a soft spot in my heart, I drove away from his house heading for what I knew would be a long slow ride home for me in the snow. It was an hour of poignacy...

Tears of sadness and loss rolled down my face when I thought of Beau and how there would be no more new antics to make me giggle, or cuddles on my shoulder, or snoring coming from the arm of the chair. No more racing around the dining room table attempting to incite a doggie Indy 500 around the house with his buds Nikko & Rocko. No more sloppy Beau kisses, or hikes that include turning around to make sure he is still with us and hadn't stopped for an interesting snack. What Beau sees as Trail Mix has always made Melanie squeal.

I felt as if my heart was a big rubber band. On the one side is all the warmth and hope I was feeling for my son as he appears to be taking little baby steps in a positive forward movement. The joy for my cherished friend who is regaining her lust for life. The other side was all the pain and sadness I not only felt myself for the loss of a cool little pup and companion, but for my daughters and their broken hearts. (Moms feel their childrens' feelings, for always.) And in the middle, well, it just felt stretched.

I sang with the songs coming from the radio, whose lyrics I knew, in between sobs and smiles, while going a comfortable 45 mph down the slick highway home.

My life is so rich. My lessons are so hard won. Lately it has been like strenous cliff climbing, with stupendous views. I'll be grateful for a little break soon. Something I can call a boring weekend with nothing to do? Maybe next year.

Beau, I love you and will always remember you.

Peace, now and into 2009 and more. Here and everywhere.