I've made a questionable investment.
Although I have desired grandchildren for some years, and have been finally blessed with one, the universe maybe thought it would be funny to say, "you want one? ok, here you go, have fun!"
And so Avior came into my life, the accidental result of irresponsible sex activity between my youngest son who is gravely damaged, and a young woman who has a shopping cart of her own issues.
Upon being told of the pregnancy and the mother's insistence on keeping this child she could not reasonable care for, and her believing that wishes are indeed the same as fact, so wishing the father would step up to the plate and afford her the stability of a family and support would make that happen, I will tell you I was devastated. I was angry, REALLY angry. Life is hard enough without having to take on and suffer with parents' baggage.
I knew the facts. My son cannot take care of himself, has never taken care of himself and in fact lives in a world in which he believes revolves around his personal comforts and pleasures. That may change, but not in the near future. The mother has minimal family support of her own, her familial history fraught with glaring dysfunction.
So, in the interest of giving this child a chance at a decent life I offered my help in caring for him so his two young parents could get their acts together and create a situation for themselves in which a child could reasonable grow and thrive.
He has become the love of my life. The parents are slowly making some progress in their own lives, she more than he. She struggles with work she hates, and the resentment of not having the opportunities that the father, my son has as far as the basics go. Sean lives with me, she has to pay her own rent. We helped (and are still helping) Sean with his car, she has to maintain her own car. Her days off are spent with a very busy and sometimes button pushing one and a half year old toddler, his are spent sleeping and resting cuz he's tired from work.
She will have to learn to accept that. I don't blame her in the least for not liking it, but she can't simply wish that to change and cry when it doesn't. I tell her how impressed I am...she has made so much forward progress and Avior will know who took care of him, who spent time with him. My mother was cruel, but I'll always be grateful that she worked hard and made my brothers and me a priority. Avior will know that, one day he will know that.
So here I am, doing it all over again. My pregnancy with Sean was very difficult, and he turned out to be quite a challenge himself, right from the start. He exhausted me, and still exhausts me. Avior is a bright and busy boy. There is a part of me that feels like I parented Sean ineffectively which is why he is the way he is, and I am a bit fearful that I may do the same to Avior. But there is another part of me which assures me I can indeed do this, help to raise this child and give him the opportunity for consistency and safety in his life, and do it right. Help to give him the skills and self-knowledge and acceptance, and good values to allow him to succeed in this life.
I'm excited about having this chance, once again, and maybe this time get it right. I'm thrilled as I watch his developmental progresses, when he works at stacking the cans from the cupboard and achieves a tall tower and laugh at his resulting shout of "yay!". I think he feels loved and safe. I try very hard to create an environment in which that is so. I tell him and show him all the time how much I love him, and at the same time not make him the center of my world, which I think is not a good thing for him to be.
I wanted grandchildren. I wanted their parents to come visit with them here at the lake and have fun. I wanted family dinners and trips to the zoo. I wanted to enjoy them while there parents took care of them. I didn't really want to raise them. Perhaps the universe decided that this child would be born of these parents, because the universe knew I would be there to help. Perhaps the universe knew that this would be a good thing for both me and the child. Perhaps this is the child who will grow to be the one who helps me later when I am solidly in my senior years?
It is important that I find some work. Paul needs the financial wiggle room my salary will allow. Here I am again, trying to work and raise a child. It's a difficult place to be when one is a young parent, but crazy hard when one is in her late middle years. Of all the other things I would like to do at this point in my life, loving Avior and helping with his life tops the list. I will work at night if I have to, and Paul has agreed to stay home with our littlest one. So that is my current challenge...wish me luck!
Ma Ga. I am Ma Ga. Oh Universe, you are a tricky fiend. This I did not see coming.
Peace,
Elfscooter
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