"It Smells Like a Good Idea"...

Right now my house smells like:
1. Wood smoke
2. Pine (from a pine scented candle)
3. Lillies

It's wonderful. Whenever this combination of scents comes up again, I'll be instantly transported to a memory. I'll be remembering how I felt at this moment. Quiet, (Paul is at a meeting) missing Sean (believe it or not) and excited about the change(s) I know are coming. It is an interesting/challenging time for me right now, and I'll forevermore associate these feelings with those smells. Thats kinda cool, and gives me an idea.

Whenever good fun things are going on, I could light a candle, consistently using the same scent, so when things are not so good and fun, I could fill my space with the scent that I use for the good things, like apples and cinammon, and then it wouldn't feel so bad.

It occurs to me that this could backfire. I could ruin the association of the scent with the good things, so that whenever I bake a pie I get an unexplained funk....

Sean managed to find a minute to call me (several times, in fact) yesterday. It was because he needed something from me. Ouch. I guess its normal for a 17 year old to be all about himself. It would be nice if he called to see how I was, or to tell me how (what)he is doing, just to ease my worry, because he cares. It would be nice if I struck oil in my backyard.

Paul and I are going to look at a rental property today. So far, we've liked what we see/know about this property. This had my brain spinning immediately upon waking this morning. The logistics and emotions around this are very big and complex. Not really planning to move, we've spent the last three years settling in...attaching to the area, molding our spaces and collecting 'stuff'. That will take some major unraveling. Paul is certain its the right thing to do, and I'm depending on his certainty.

For me, its a very big change. I can't altogether dismiss the feeling that I should be providing a space for Sean in the new house, but the move is for myself and Paul only. No longer in my life am I making decisions/choices based on the needs of my children. What we felt was good for Sean was a big consideration in our move here. That is no longer the case. This is a new flavor for me. I'm thinking it will be an 'acquired taste'.

I can hardly remember a time in my life when I wasn't thinking of my children. 'If I do this, how will it affect them?'. Thirty years. Now they make their own choices, and what they choose will affect them, not what I choose. I don't think I was ready for Sean's move, it is not what I would have chosen for him, but as he said, "Mom, I'm ready to leave". I know what is out there, and my feeling is that he is not ready, because he DOESN'T know what is out there. At least I don't think so, but he does. I could be wrong, but he still carries with him a sense of entitlement. THAT is not going to help him. With all the unexpected twists and turns our life's journeys encounter, I am unsure that he has developed the skills he will need to navigate successfully through. But there is nothing I can do right now. He has chosen to dismiss me as his navigating assistant. I am not comfortable with the situation, but that doesn't mean he won't catch on. Lets hope there aren't a lot of casualties in the process. This next chapter is all about me.

If I write that down and look at the words in black and white, will I be able to digest it better? "All about me"...It is so unfamiliar to me. Poignant is what I think I would call this. I'm sad, scared and equally as excited. When we've carried a big thing around for most of our lives, we grow accustomed to it. When we put it down and move forward without it, there is a certain amount of sorrow around the loss, but a feeling of ease accompanies the freedom from the weight. A feeling like I can fly. But it is with tears in my eyes.

You know what is the most attractive thing about ALL of this? The day I say "goodbye" to my job. The fantasy of that day puts a HUGE smile on my face. I don't know exactly what I'll do afterwards, but I don't have to know. And there will be NO tears in my eyes over that one! I wonder what scent I should use to associate that memory with??????? Next year should be great, and it should smell like pine. I like that......

Peace