It Hurts To Sneeze...

I am suffering. Three days in the hospital, two without food, on meds that made me feel yucky, to come home with pain that makes walking to the kitchen difficult, or hoping to find a sitting or laying position that is merely 'uncomfortable'. I feel like I've been on the losing side of a bar fight, hit by a train, and fell off a cliff. I'm angry at having to put many things on hold, until I get better, including Paul's birthday celebration.

What purpose does 'suffering' have in our lives? Been thinking about that.

I am thinking of PT. My suffering is intermittent and with a light at the end of the tunnel, but PT...hers has been ongoing, with lots of questions still on the table. My suffering has lent me some empathy for those whose illnesses coupled with logistical difficulties make life hard, yet still find a moment to help lift someone else.

I am thinking of V. My pain can be alleviated by a pill. When my stents are out, I will be 'healed'. My milestones are visibly measured...an appointment for this, medication for that...V's pain is built in, alleviated only by enormous effort and lifestyle changes which take so much daily strength that I can't imagine...

I am thinking of H. My recent days are full of limits that frustrate me. But I will be free soon from these limits. H struggles daily with her limits, and some guilt she feels about her struggles. With her wonderful sense of values, it is critical for her to be the best she can be, no matter what she is doing, and accepting some of those compromises is not easy.

I am thinking of X. My ailment is perfectly understandable and evident. But grieving for the loss of an important person in your life is not easy...when there is no act of closure, no obituary you can cut out of the paper, show the world and say "I am sad", and still X is strong, accepting her burden, her ticket to humanity.

Paul tells me that sometimes during group the participants are asked to put their burdens on the table. After everyone does, it becomes clear that nobody would exchange their burdens for anyone else's...and I wonder why that is.

Suffering makes me care about other people, lends me eyes that see with compassion. Seeing with compassion helps me learn and love. Suffering makes me part of humanity. Suffering gives me strength and helps me grow, stretching my limits and creativity. I once read that "your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding". I don't know who authored that, but I've never read a truer thing. Suffering is eating your brussell sprouts, because you need to and its whats on your plate, but its okay, because that brownie for desert is going to taste extra yummy....

So, back to the top.

I am suffering.

I'm alive.

Ouch. I sneezed.

Peace