First of all, I am wonderfully and happily married, as far as husbands go, Paul is my bestest friend and an amazing influence in my life. This is a commentary on the 'institution', or boundaries of marriage as it concerns me today.
I found myself staring with longing at a posting for a position within my company. It was my dream job...one for which I felt qualified, born for, and in an area of the US which I love - the Gulf region; Mississippi & Pensacola. It is what I have been taking courses to do. The position for the next level was filled by someone with whom I worked briefly and was impressed by his professionalism, attitude and knowledge, and he would be my immediate authority. It was perfect.
Except that I am married. With marriage comes commitment. I am not free to move somewhere else. Or am, but choose to honor my commitment. I knew when I married Paul that he was exactly where he choses to be, doing exactly what he wants to do. He loves New England, and loves his work, and has been with this company for fifteen plus years, and has a wide and important social network. I knew that.
And here is the crux of the matter. ALL my life I've sacrificed and compromised. My first two husbands chose to leave our marriages for their own reasons. The second one was bitter. For twelve years I chose to honor our marriage, and sacrificed for his career. And then he left, and negated my sacrifice. So what did I sacrifice for?....nothing. After some time I was able to put myself back together and find myself again. And I struck gold when I found Paul, too.
So when is it MY time? The older I get, the more sad I get about this. When can I be selfish and do what I want to do?
The thing is, I could see myself harboring a little resentment about this. I have to adjust my mindset. I am actually free to do a lot that I do want to do, and Paul's income helps me towards that end. I don't want to not be married to Paul. Something equally as interesting will come along, this isn't the last opportunity for me. It will just have to be here, that is one of my limits, and I'll have to accept that. I'll forget about it soon. (I hope)
This is Elf, getting over things.
Peace
9 comments:
Would you stop writing about what I'm thinking about? I swear I just had this conversation with Matt on Sunday.
I went from controlling parents to the controlling military. Was living with Matt before even being divorced from Greg. When it was time to leave the navy, which I wasn't sure I wanted to do, and get married, I wanted to go somewhere-Seattle? Matt said we should live close to family so that we can actually go on vacation instead of using that time to visit relatives...mmmhmm
This is a real bone of contention in my marriage and whenever I'm feeling low, I blame him for keeping me here-nice of me huh. Remember not to long ago I was trying to convince him to move to NE? Honestly, I've been having this argument about every three months for 8 years. I feel ya
Not to try to mess up your marriage, but why is it always the man's way? Why doesn't he (in his undying love for you) want to sacrifice a little and take a turn at something you really want? And in same-sex marriages-is there one partner who sacrifices more than the other? If so, is it the one who generally makes less money than the other? Just curious.
You say that you've sacrificed and compromised all your life. Me too girl me too...got any wine? I've got smokes. Wish we were neighbors once again...
This is Heather getting over it with you.
choices are different than sacrifices though.. you choose to be where you are. choices are difficult, but in the end, you have weighed out the options and made a choice. and what about open communication in marriages?? if you sat down and talked to paul and said this was something you REALLY wanted, i'm sure you could come to an agreement. even if you stayed here and DIDN'T go, it would be because you are choosing to put paul's needs and your marriage first - but it's still a choice. in my opinion, "sacrifice" is a martyr word. that's not to say i haven't used it before... i mean, i am telling MYSELF this exact same thing every day. i just thought i would help shift your mindset... good luck!
Too Funny!!! In a coincidental sort of way.
I DO have wine - four nice bottles, come on down! Can't think of a better way to get over things.
WHY do we continually put ourselves in these situations frought with constraints????? I wonder if I do it out of fear . . .like how can I test my wings if I can't fly, but I'm afraid of crashing, so I set things up so I can't fly...and I'll never know if I can.
I could accept the limitations of parenthood, because it evolves and ends. Now, this is supposed to be MY time, and I sabotaged it, and went and put a leash on myself.
But, being the kind of little brook that meanders AROUND the rocks, I'll figure something out. You will too. :)
Still chuckling....
V - thank you. you are so right. It is not a sacrifice, but a choice. when i chose to marry paul i was living here and had no intention to move, based on the fact that i had a child in school. he is no longer in school and doesn't have to be a consideration in where i live any longer. but i'm still married. i tenatively put my 'desire' on the table with paul, but he didn't take it very seriously, and probably because I didn't present it seriously. we've always been on the same page, same goals and dreams, this is the first time we've faced a fork in the road, and its really only my fork, but i know what i do will affect him. maybe looking at this opportunity brought up some old stuff for me? i'm feeling trapped between choices - exploring this opportunity, OR living with my best friend. Dammit, I don't WANT to choose, I want it all... :)
I'm forced to remember 1 year ago. When we almost moved to North Carolina. Melanie's job was changing so drastically that it was either move to NC or find another job. After about a month of deliberation, crying, anger, fear and the word "breaking up" crossing our lips we realized we couldn't leave. At the time, she was making more than me, and would be making EVEN more if she made the choice to move...I sometimes fear that I held her back because I truly told her I didn't think I could go. She sacrificed for me...for us. Heather, to answer your question about if one of the pair in a same-sex relationship make more money...it's always changing. We've made the exact same amount at some points in our relationship. At other points, there's been a few dollars an hour between us.
X
Elf,
Ah...I am with you too. V makes a good point about the word choice..it is a lot more empowering than to say sacrifice. But...how it feels seems to teeter back and forth. Same here. I am not a fan of CT. Never have been, but N has a great job she needs to stay with for 7 years and 3 months more-not that I am counting. :-)
H~cool question about the same sex thing...I think it is not just the person who makes the most money, although N does that too-it is the one who is the yes person versus the authority-you know the one who is conflict avoidant, tries to make nice often and carry on...yep that would be me. You know the never go to bed angry type. Completely annoying good girl. I feel type cast and pigeon holed in that role. But, I am in it nonetheless and it is what I choose. Although I hate to admit it.
When is it our turn? Wine sounds very good on that note!
~P
X - I was actually thinking about that while I was writing. Melanie actually chose "us", over "me". an occasional stray question pops in my mind, wondering if she is still okay with that choice. My thing is i've done that so often, and for so long. and when i did it in the last marriage, only to have it all be for nothing, i was faced with the stark reality that nothing is guaranteed. our choices may not work out the way we plan, there are always risks present. and i always felt there would be a time for me, that i could/can wait...but i'm feeling a tad impatient right now, especially in light of the number on my last birthday....
so today i am on the hunt for other opportunities, ones within the parameters to which i agreed to with paul. it is what it is.
i wonder if the job opportunity would be so appealing if it caused no conflict at all.. something to think about.
Elf,
I wrote the LONGEST comment ever in response to this last night. I have no idea if I blew it when I typed in the letters or whatever...
I love the point V makes about choices-and it certainly sounds better than the word sacrifice. Kind of like the victim versus survivor terms...but ah we know a few things for sure, that is that hindsight is always 20/20...we will always wonder what if....and as long as we live we will be striving toward something-hopefully not so much that we miss it when we get it. Do I make any sense? Hope so!
~P
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