Finding Me

No knitting today.  None.  I think I have knitted every day for the last month.  Since I started out knowing very little about knitting, it has been a learning process.  Because I am who I am it became an obsessive compulsive thing...no surprises there.

About a month ago, I made an impulse buy at Micheal's and purchased an inexpensive knitting machine.  It took me hours to set it up and learn how to use it correctly.  But you know what?  It became the perfect distraction.  During this process I wasn't in the dumps with my chronic worry about Sean, and I found myself in my most preferred zone - solving problems and learning new things, with the added bonus of creating.  Don't you love to create?  I love looking at a pile of disparate components, and a few hours later there is a something where there was nothing.

 


  I have made beautiful blankets and sweaters and have begun to invest in this hobby - both time and money.  I'm at a point where I know enough basics to start to experiment with different stitches, materials and designs.  There is still a lot for me to learn about how different types of yarns work with certain stitches, sizing, and color combos.  For me, as long as there is learning I will be consumed,  In my head exists a picture;  people from all over contacting me for my products - which will consist of original maybe one-of-a-kind sweaters, hats, scarves, throws and pillows.  I will become the "Vera Bradley" of knit work.  My home will become a place where people who love to knit will come to work and help me with my designs and we will all get along and be great friends and contemplate life while we work.

I know, I know.  The reality is most likely way different.  My inner pragmatist tells me that we can't afford me to be hanging out at home compulsively knitting.  The probability is that soon I'll be behind a desk somewhere, once again trying to find the balance between 'need' and 'desire'.  Chasing the dollar.  Sacrificing my life to achieve the 'status quo'.  

 

*sigh*

Meanwhile, we have been putting cheap rugs down around the house for Nikko who will no longer walk on the floors.  In no way do these rugs enhance the decor, but seems to boost the old pup's confidence.  Not being able to hang in the kitchen when we are in there seemed to bum her out.  Once again she can perform one of her favorite tasks, that of sniffing the kitchen floor for treasures.  And once again, if she gets tired of hanging with me she can take herself to the other room where she can comfortably nap on the couch.  Her disposition remains mostly cheerful and content as she (and we) adjust to the restrictions caused by the waves of aging;  diminished abilities to hear and see, and hips that aren't always trustworthy.  Approaching 17 years of age, I still see several good years left for her.  As I observe the grace with which she ages I can only hope I will do the same.

Today is errand day.  Lunch with a few old buddies from work and stops at a few shops while I'm out.  I no longer fill my day with endless activities as I once was perfectly happy doing, but limit my "must do" lists, my "on the go" mentality.  So different now.  I am most content at home, whether or not anyone is around.  It is not unusual for me to go days without having a conversation with anyone.  If I get tired of what is in my head, I pop in an audio book.  Tomorrow, if the weather remains agreeable, I will spend time outdoors cleaning out my garden beds, maybe splitting some wood and later start the planning for the front porch, backyard gazebo and retaining wall.  I also have to set aside some time to clean out my computer...something I would have historically looked forward to, but somehow that task has become 'work' for me and doesn't excite me anymore.

Am thinking of you all today; Heather, who has a a massive pile of shit stew on her plate lately but maintains and goes forward all the same.  You go girl, I couldn't be prouder of you.  Sabrina and her job hunt.  My wishes to you for a good outcome on that front.  Leanne, I miss you and hope you are well?  Crystal and Melanie, could any mother ask for better daughters?

Sincerely,
Elfscooter